She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
