YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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