I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Is this like a preordered booty call?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
