the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
