he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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