Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My breasts were aching with rage.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize