At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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