Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
