btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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