Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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