yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
