If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
