If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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