mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
