Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
