all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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