I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
