mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
