i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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