i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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