Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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