u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
her vagine was all disorganized.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
