Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
