I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
