If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
