like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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