Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
