I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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