I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
