I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
