i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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