I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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