We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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