capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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