if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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