so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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