she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
