he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Randomize
