There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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