I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
