apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
