stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
