I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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