he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
