u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
