Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
