i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize