he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
