Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
