For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
