We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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