Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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