I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
