there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
