He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Randomize
