Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
