so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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