1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
