i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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