That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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