If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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