Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
