Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
