Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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