I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
