Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
