Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
bring money and cleavage
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
