When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
