Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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