I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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