Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
