why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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