I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
