Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
