Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
